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Conflicting emotions, don’t you just hate them?

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At the moment, I’m going through some big-time conflict regarding my attitude towards China and my feelings about the very short time left here. With recent events, I’m finding it a little more difficult to be as excited and positive as I was about these last weeks.
I know I had wanted to make the most of it, and I know that I should. I know that this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and though I’m sure I’ll come back to China in the future, I’ll never get a chance quite like this. Logically, I know all of that. But I still can’t get past this feeling of…restlessness that’s crept over me so suddenly. I’m looking forward to going home, to be back in familiar surroundings, to be around my family. Restless, because I know it’s coming – In two months from today, I will be back in London – but because I’m also aware that I still have to get through the next few weeks. This is the crux of the conflict: I want to be home, but I also am aware that I should spend the remaining time in a way such that I do not regret it in the future, possibly even as soon as I land back in London :p (And I know that as soon as I am home, I will want to be back in China. Sigh, why are you so troublesome, emotions?)
Despite logically knowing all this, it’s always easier said than done. The point of all this was to say that I think blogging is a good outlet, and I’m going to try and post every day, in the hope that using this blog as somewhere I can record what I’m doing might help me to keep focussed on what I need to do. The sooner I get out of this rut, the better, considering the limited time left!

The List
Currently, the list of what I need to do largely consists of completing this 6000-7000 word research project – deadline 3rd June; planning what I’m doing/where I’m going after our term finishes on 7th June, and university exams, which, we think, are going to be sometime during the week of 3rd – 7th June. Oh, also to do anything and everything I can – I’m only a student in China for one more month, after all! Ah, that reminds me… maybe do the work we get given from university too.

Plan of action
Be a perfect student and work a little on the project every day (hah!)
Don’t worry about researching travel destinations. Book a ticket somewhere and take it from there. (Sounds like a plan, no?)
Say ‘yes’ immediately to anything and everything friends suggest, within boundaries of eating and sleeping. (…Apart from the Great Wall Rave this Saturday. Getting myself drunk is not something I wish to do)
Spend all your spare time studying for university… (Spare time is the time left over AFTER procrastination, right?)

Update coming soon!

P.S. I’m kinda actually looking forward to comparing this post with a post written in my actual last few days in China. It’ll be interesting to see how quickly this change comes about, I’ll be sure to let you all know when this fresh burst of positive energy makes itself known to me!


About Ibtehaal

I graduated with a degree in Chinese and Economics, which involved spending a year studying Chinese in Beijing. This turned out to be the hardest but most rewarding thing I think I have ever done. I've now returned to China for another year, to study in Shanghai and figure out my next steps.

2 responses »

  1. Lol I am loving your plan of action! (and the optimistic snippets in brackets) 😛


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